Fairness is fair because it is fair and I say so – now piss off

A lot of people are asking me about The Mark of Fair Tax and why Civil Society has appointed me to be arbiter of fairness.

They also have had the temerity to ask me how they know that I’m not just going to decide on a whim whether they get the Mark of Fair Tax. What these neoliberal imbeciles don’t understand is that is exactly what the methodology is. I just decide whether you get it or not, and then I take your money.

What, do you think I’m going to spend ages looking through the accounts and tax disclosure notes? Do you think that I would consider asking the applicants for some actual proof that they are not avoiding tax all over the place?

Of course I’m not going to do that.

I am just going to give the briefest of looks at the applicant and decide whether they are the sort of business that should receive the Mark of Fair Tax.

That’s it.

How long do you think that will take? Not long at all. That’s why the Mark of Fair Tax is so expensive. We need to provide a disincentive to every Tom, Dick and Harry applying for it. It’d just look like some worthless and meaningless sticker if everybody had it, wouldn’t it?

You see, tax is entirely subjective. And that means that I can quickly decide what is fair and what is not. There’s no point trying to pretend to be objective and to try and arrive at a decision using objective facts and principles, and to try ensure that the law is applied equally to all.

No, have a guess at what tax you should pay. If I like you, it’s a good guess. If I don’t, it’s a bad guess and you don’t get the Mark of Fair Tax.

That’s all tax is. So I’m not going to bother trying to explain any methodology because it’s just stuff I made up to try to make it look like we’ve got one.

Right, now stop wasting my time, I could’ve knocked out a hundred Marks of Fair Tax in the time it has taken me to talk to you lot.

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3 thoughts on “Fairness is fair because it is fair and I say so – now piss off

  1. Murphy

    I’m on mu way to the office where the first task that faces me will be to reply to an HMRC enquiry on one of my corporate clients.

    Candidly, I would ordinarily respond to their requests in full, however I propose to reply to them with a letter enclosing only a copy of my application for my mark of fair tax and the cheque. Would you be able to process the application quicker so that I can prove you validation? I note the cheque cleared a week hence but as yet I have received no reply.

    I may also ask for your assistance with a venn diagram to persuade the inspector that your mark covers all areas of taxation possible.

    ps To help you identify my query the company in question is the loss making used car dealership with £374 income, £1m losses and 46 pages of fully MoFT compliant FRS19 disclosures.

  2. Murphy
    It’s a long shot, but is there any way some aspect of this business could somehow be shoe-horned into the patent box regime, with its favourable 10% corporation tax rate, or failing that, given your Irish heritage, maybe be run out of the Republic of Ireland?

    If it could, I assume that as this is essentially a social enterprise for the benefit of Civil Society, the reduced taxes would not thereby contribute to the £5trillion tax gap in this country which arises only from the activities of neo-liberals, but could you confirm?

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