This is the email that I sent to David Gauke last night:
I am writing to you in my capacity as a world famous political economist and tax expert. Most importantly, I am writing to you in my capacity as the voice of Civil Society.
Civil Society has asked me to draft an Autumn Statement for George Osborne to read out on Thursday. This speech is below.
I have no qualms about writing to George Osborne but I thought I would give your Government the greatest opportunity to embrace my suggestion. You are, after all, the lesser of two neoliberals. And as Margaret Hodge’s predecessor as Tax Prat of the Year, I hope you share the animosity that I have for the tax profession in general.
Here is Civil Society’s draft Chancellor’s speech for the Autumn Statement.
Last year I stood here and told you that the economy is healing after the biggest financial crash of our lifetimes.
I regret to say I was mistaken.
There wasn’t actually a financial crash during the previous Government at all. They didn’t over borrow in the slightest and I recognise that everything we have said about the previous administration is sophistry.
They borrowed exactly the amount that was necessary.
And rather than healing the economy, I have been damaging it in such a way as to make it look as if the damage occurred several years ago.
The roof was in quite good shape and the sun was still shining when I arrived at 11 Downing Street.
But I sold the roof to one of my school chum’s companies registered in Jersey, barely covering the cost of the roof. And when I refused to pay the exorbitant fees to lease back the roof, the company took it away.
We don’t have a roof any more and it is raining.
I want to apologise to everybody for making it your responsibility to carry an umbrella at all times.
I point out for the benefit of my colleagues on this side of the House that, of course, the roof is metaphorical, as are the umbrellas.
Though, for absolute clarity, I should declare that there are actually are sale and leaseback arrangements on the roof of 11 Downing Street.
Anyway, the House, I digress. I simply wanted to make the point that I am an incompetent Chancellor. From now on you should refer to me as The Cowardly Chancellor.
Unlike The Cowardly Lion, I also need a brain and a heart, as well as some Courage. But this year I have been saved by the Wizard of Oz.
No, not Lynton Crosby, my personal attack dog.
I speak of the magnificent individual who has campaigned tirelessly by promoting his books for personal gain and Justice for Taxes. I speak of that man who only speaks truth to power.
I speak of the Director of the Budgetary Responsibility Office, an independent NGO set up last Tuesday to provide a new economical interpretation of economics.
I am talking of the celebrated author of The Joy Of Being A Tax Expert, Cashing In and State of Courage.
I am talking of that most Courageous of men, Murphy Richards.
It is he who has written this speech for me. And it is possibly the greatest Autumn Statement ever.
So, I am going to ignore all the numbers I have been given by the Office for Budget Responsibility and from HM Treasury. These are products of an intellectual hegemony of neoclassical economics and neoliberal thought.
I shall no longer tolerate such things in this House.
Instead, I have learned from Murphy Richards that the UK can only recover by closing the tax gap, borrowing copious amounts of money and introducing the New Green Deal.
This New Green Deal will provide 100% employment for all citizens of the United Kingdom. We will introduce legal obligations for private sector employers that they must employ everybody. If they do not, The State will confiscate the company’s property.
In order to provide this work force something to do, we will ban all oil-based products, including diesel and petrol, and put this huge human resource into powering our manufacturing, agricultural and transport industries. I am not a scientist, but I am assured that this is all possible by the author of the New Green Deal and the president of Researches for Taxes UK, Murphy Richards.
So that is unemployment sorted.
Growth will follow naturally. Necessity is the mother of invention, and we will certainly need to create an awful lot of inventive solutions in order to make this New Green Deal work.
As the intangible assets associated with these solutions cannot be valued accurately, it is sensible to assume they have no value. The State will Courageously take automatic ownership of all the worthless intellectual property rights.
As all IP will now be owned by The State, we can therefore scrap the Patent Box which is simply neoliberal tax competition.
We can also scrap the entire intangibles regime. There will, however, be transitional rules that require a balancing adjustment for the value of IP to be recognised at the higher of cost or neoliberal market value. This is to prevent businesses gaining a tax advantage by having their IP disposed of at nil value.
Corporation tax will be increased to 100%. After all, the UK provides limited liability through the law, therefore it ultimately takes the risk.
This moral increase will also encourage all businesses operating in the UK to pay out profits to their employees rather than hoarding them in Jersey.
The rate of income tax will be set according to a truly progressive scale for the first time ever.
The rate of income tax, expressed as a percentage, will be set as Gross Income divided by One Thousand. So somebody receiving £45,000 per annum will pay an income tax rate of 45% on all their income. Somebody receiving £65,000 will pay an income tax rate of 65%, somebody receiving £85,000 will pay an income tax rate of 85% and so on.
No tax relief will be given on pension contributions or donations to charity.
To prevent tax avoidance altogether, I will introduce Michelle Meacher’s Private Member Bill. That is, I will introduce the General Rule Against Planning Intent on Subverting Taxation.
My Right Honourable Friend’s GRAPIST has been drafted by a proper expert in tax law, the President of the Justice for Taxes Network, Murphy Richards.
Furthermore, so that random members of the public can get upset at businesses over their tax bills, I intend to introduce Michelle Meacher’s Private Member Bill. That is, I will introduce the Transparency for Individuals, Trusts and Companies Regarding Anything Bill.
My Right Honourable Friend’s TITCRAB has been drafted by a proper expert in property law, author of State of Courage, Murphy Richards.
Between the GRAPIST and TITCRAB, I think we owe a great deal to Michelle for knowing celebrated author and expert in everything, Murphy Richards.
Thank you Michelle and Murphy. These two tools will enable us to close the tax gap entirely.
We will recoup the £500bn that is estimated by Senior Economist and Researcher at the Budgetary Responsibility Office, Murphy Richards, to go unpaid every year.
A large proportion of this gap is down to individuals paying the tax that Parliament intended. However, Murphy Richard’s, adviser to trade unions on tax matters, has correctly identified that HMRC are failing to collect the tax that Parliament should have intended when they enacted tax legislation.
The Quadruple Questionableness test within the GRAPIST effectively allows HMRC to impose whatever tax liability they think should have been intended by Parliament. It is much better than Graham Aaronson’s Double Reasonableness test.
I have now learned my lesson. In the future, I shall not just pick the first entry under ‘tax expert’ in the Yellow Pages.
Now that we have a proper tax expert writing legislation for us, we expect to receive every single penny that is legally owed to the Government.
In fact, we expect to achieve a negative tax gap for the first time ever. HM Revenue and Customs will be given the tools that they need to collect more tax than is legally due.
We will have a tax overlap.
With the Public Accounts Committee replacing the Supreme Court as the highest authority in the land, we will ensure that justice is as swift as possible. No more shall we be waiting around whilst the facts of cases are established and the legal principles explored in depth.
No, we will be able to get a quick decision from the Right Honourable Lady of Hodge based on the opinions expressed in the morning’s papers by people whose job it is to sensationalise information as much as possible.
We know that journalists have no conceivable reason to present information in as sensational terms as possible. And they rely on completely objective sources such as Murphy Richards, author of several best-selling books about neoliberal tax avoidance, who has no means of gaining personally by presenting things in misleadingly fantastic manner.
I am sure Margaret will be able to continue her sterling work in distinguishing evil Starbucks, Amazons and Googles with their subsidiaries in tax havens, from their responsibly sociable corporate counterparts, the Stemcors and the Guardian Media Groups.
I think the entire House will agree that this does indeed bring us into an era of the State of Courage which can deliver Justice for Taxes.
So I have no hesitation in saying, despite the fact that this is not a Budget, that I commend this Autumn Statement to the House.
I trust that you will ensure George considers Civil Society’s desires (ie for him to read out the speech above) properly and ponders the moral implications of ignoring Civil Society’s wishes.