In this month, January, the most immoral of months, millions of you will be lying on your self assessment tax returns in order to save yourself a few pounds here and there.
No, I’m not actually omniscient, but by my calculations 99.4% of individuals who submit their tax return in January lie.
This is because procrastination is a rightwing trait and those who indulge in this filthy habit are likely to perform similarly neoliberal acts such as tax avoidance, which if legal but immoral and constitutes cheating which actually makes it illegal, and tax evasion which is illegal.
Therefore with a high degree of accuracy I can state as fact that almost every single return submitted in January should be subject to a compliance check. For this, we would need an additional 500,000 fully qualified tax inspectors.
Whilst this would cost approximately £25bn, I estimate this would yield no less than £145bn pounds in additional income tax and NICs.
“How long would this take to collect though Murphy?” I hear you cry.
Well, not very long at all. By passing my GRAPIST with immediate effect, all suspected liabilities become immediately payable by the suspects tax evaders, upon pain of having their assets frozen.
These additional inspectors could then move onto tackling corporate tax avoidance fraud in February.
But this coalition won’t do that, will they? Do you know why?
It’s because they’re not serious about tackling tax avoidance (by which I mean tax evasion – I cleverly made tax avoidance fraudulently illegal a couple of weeks ago, remember?)
But if we were to do it, I conservatively (pah!) estimate that the deficit would be eliminated by June.
And then we could afford to subsidise my Clone-Your-Own™ series of high school teachers. We will soon have, in every school, Gordon Brown teaching History (of the Labour Party), David Miliband teaching Geography, John Prescott and Ruth Kelly teaching PE and me teaching Maths, Economics, Politics, Philosophy, the Sciences, English and Latin.
I hasten to add, these are not real clones (yet), but merely the approved syllabuses delivered via a MP3 player held in a lifelike silicon mask worn by an existing teacher who is probably not suitably qualified to teach the subject without aid.
This, however, will give the pupil at least 18% of the real experience of being taught by an expert in their field. Which is better than what they’re currently getting under this awful Coalition.