My inspirational performance at ICAEW’s tax avoidance gala

Last night I sat opposite David Gauke at a dinner put on by the ICAEW at which neoliberal sociopathic accountants discussed how best to avoid tax.

There was also Margaret Hodge MP there who spoke at length about how the government needed to decide between a competitive tax system and one which is fair. I had to agree with her that we certainly do not want a competitive tax system.

If you argue that you can have both, that’s sophistry. Fairness is never competitive, and it certainly never provides certainty.

There was some other woman from PwC who baffled me by suggesting that we can’t go around attacking businesses and raging at HMRC when both are enforcing the law correctly.

Well, who else are we supposed to blame?

It’s power crazed women like that who are responsible for the current regime of Tax Apartheid, them and the likes of the sexist BBC, excluding middle aged white men from appearing on television.

As I’ve discussed before, my GRAPIST anti avoidance bill prevents the law being at fault, therefore it must be the fault of those implementing it. Which, under self assessment, is firstly the taxpayer and secondly HMRC.

By obeying the law, they are flouting the Will of Parliament.

So there we go, I’ve refuted your ridiculous statement, whoever you are, lady. All you women in power suits look all the same to me, as do your expressions of contempt for me as you look down your noses and check out my rugged good looks and my generous package.

David Gauke’s speech was clearly all about me, though he never actually used my name. It was like there was just me and him in the room.

I won’t patronise you by repeating his nonsense, because it clearly was nonsense. He is, after all, openly open about his love of Neoliberalism and tax avoidance.

Finally, I stood up and spoke at length, reading passages from both my books, State of Courage and my new tome The Joy of Being a Tax Expert. People were enthralled.

Some people couldn’t wait for my speech to finish to start discussing the new ideas I had imparted directly into their brains.

Others couldn’t face the truth and descended into cataleptic shock at the error of their ways.

But, all were inspired by my words.

This morning, with the news that the USA have elected a man as president for the first time in 1,461 days, I am full of hope for the future. It is, I point out modestly, a future entirely of my making.

Planet Earth, you’re welcome.

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