Shares for employment rights is just offside

George Osborne stood up yesterday and made a speech off an Autocue. Which id a shame, because I had already prepared a post lambasting him for wasting time memorising a speech when he should be busy taxing the wealthy.

In it, I am told, he suggested that employees could be given shares in exchange for waiving some of their employment rights. My first thought was, would this be any use for dealing with our issue with the nanny who we are struggling to oust from my wife’s company?

Since we incorporated her into her own limited company she has done nothing but cause problems. The other day she sent along her sister to work in her place because she said that would take her out of the high risk category under HMRC’s new business entity tests.

I explained to her that she needn’t worry, I am after all a tax expert who knows about these things, but she said she had taken advice from a “suitably qualified professional”. She refused to give me their name because she said I had scared off her last accountant.

Anyhow, my wife is the company secretary and she actually owns some shares with voting rights (we didn’t want the nanny to think she could do whatever she likes). We figured we could suggest this scheme to her, get rid of get voting shares and then sack her without any worry of an unfair dismissal issue.

Aside from this, I think it’s an awful neoliberal idea. The workers want job security not worthless shares.

The reason it’s that Socialist workers tend to operate the sort of zonal marking system that Rafa Benitez used to operate at Liverpool FC. Basically, the company they work for represents the zone they mark and the opposition are represented by the capitalist or capitalists who own the shares in the company.

Now, the last thing the workers want to do is to start confusing their own defenders with the opposition.

This idea of employees owning shares in their own company would be like Benitez’ Liverpool playing against Manchester United with both sides wearing their home strip.

Under this system that the referee (George Osborne) will introduce, it is inevitable that there will be confusion and Manchester United will score more goals (profits).

But, I hear you protest in your sophistical way, Liverpool are more likely to be able to score.

The answer to this is no. No, they won’t. This will always benefit the beret team and Liverpool are awful, quite frankly. They lack skill and motivation both individually and collectively, and Luis Suarez will probably get sent off for tackling one of his own players.

You see, capitalists are organised, and it’s only through the organisation of a good manager (not Benitez, though), or the trade unions (now you see it don’t you?), that Liverpool will ever stand a chance of winning the milk cup again.

So, George Osborne, you think nobody knows what you’re up to? Think again. I can read you like Delia’s annual recipe for bubble and squeak that appears every other year in the programme for Norwich FC’s boxing day fixture.

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